“ it hurts. i can no longer feel pain and yet it hurts. melchi left me all alone. i only wished for a friend, someone i could trust, and he left. i suppose it is payback for all i placed on him in life. god !! he must hate me now. i suppose everyone must. i doubt any grieve for me. they’d already forgotten about me at my own funeral. why does no one CARE ??”
NO ONE had grieved the loss of her TERROR, the wicked witch finally laid to unrest. she was not one to comfort him. her hands were calloused & cracked, they would only hurt in touch. her words, too, came in soft SPEARS, how life had shaped her. no one cared —– not for her. but his senseless cires caught the fragments of her worn heart, how IRRITATING it was to remember, remember her own past, her own fragile mind. a whispering sigh falls out parted lips.
‘ THEY DOcare ;; for you, they care. but people must move on, even if you never stop HAUNTING them. they do not know how to COPE. they expected so much more. ‘ her voice is BARELY a whisper, throat dry as she speaks, such gentility so abnormal to her voice. ‘ you cannot drag your friend into death simply to comfort you. he has LIFE, let him live it. ‘
he hadn’t quite understand yet, why it was that when he gave everything he had, he got nothing in return except for hatred. he gave his music to that opera house, to Christine, and they turned against him. maybe for once, he wanted to feel the true love he never received. instead he was forced to reside in darkness, a pitiful creature of a man.
❛ i UNDERSTAND that. and that is your own wish. but i
— i can’t and won’t leave this world behind yet. i have unfinished business, that i need to attend to. i’m dying, but is it so bad that i want to hear that voice again once more so that i can feel alive again. i feel no more than half way real, and i know there is still work for me to do, so i will s t a y.
❜
‘ YOU WILL only bruise yourself MORE. you cannot depend on the voice of one who cannot love you to keep your heart beating. she is of the glittering part of society, the part you & I can never TOUCH. ‘
SHE ISnot NAIVE, she has never let something she did not deserve touch her. people leave, people die. everything WITHERS from your touch, so she had found. it was best to minimize the damage. it was a weakness she did not need.
‘DO WHATyou must, but do not come for my protection when the world spits you back out. ‘
“ marvelous ?? this place does not seem very marvelous. more LONELY than anything. i see those people that i knew in life and i wish to approach them, the smile and hug them and tell them i miss them. i wish one of them would join me in death. and yet so far that has only worked with MELCHIOR, who did not wish to in the end. you say there is no deserving this and yet i say i do deserve it. i am truly a stupid, HORRIBLE person who no one would chose that be around and that is why i am trapped here. ”
‘ YOU AREhere because you put yourself here. do not make excuses of FATE. we all make mistakes in life, some just greater than others. you ( chose ) not to touch them in life, to put that barrel in your mouth. at least you can still see that they are living, breathing. at least you can no longer feel PAIN… ‘
in some ways, yes, maybe she was correct. but part of him yearned to stay in this world. not just to watch over Christine, but for the music that had developed over the ages.
❛ and it is suitable for you? i highly doubt so Elphaba.
❜
‘ IT NEVERwas. ‘
AND IThadn’t been. she was born for death. and now that she was in the coldness of its hands, she much preferred it to the POWERLESSNESS of her living fate. perhaps princess nastoya had been ( wrong ), or perhaps she was right, and the fate she had written herself was a strange, roaming freedom. she was now something between ghost & legacy. that was enough infamy for her.
‘ I NEVERforgot what I was, we weren’t BORN for the riches of the world ;; ( love ) included. everyone needs a scapegoat, I’m just tired of being one. you claw your way back to life if that pleases you, I for one, have NO desire. ‘
‘ HAVING Abeating heart is not something to yearn for blindly. having human skin is not, in itself, beautiful or romantic. DEATH is far more comfortable. you will feel ( pain ) far realer than you describe here. do not kid yourself, phantom. the world is not suited for you. ‘
❛no ––––––– i believe i am truly in hell. that is what my father said happened to those who sinned, and i have done so twice. the first by not honoring my father and mother and the second by offing myself. that is why i am stuck like this. ❜
‘ IF THIS were truly hell, and that is all you’ve done, than I would be in an INFINITELY deeper layer than you. heaven & hell are fabrications of the poor and weak. we wander because we died in ( c o n f l i c t ) with ourselves. it is a strange and marvelous in- between. but there is no ‘ deserve ‘ , I think, more than anything, it is all of the MIND. ‘
❛ i thought that death would be a relief, but it is just sad and lonely. nothing has changed. ❜
‘ MY FATHER used to concede that death would RETURN me to the devil that made me. but it seems to me his hell was fabricated only for his ( g u i l t ). the prison of death is no satanic eternity, but an eternity of your own mind. ‘
❛i do NOT pity those foolish humans, but what is so wrong with wishing to feel the love from another, to feel their WARMTH against your skin, to feel …. SAFE for once. i do not feel sorry for the monster they made of me, but for GOD’S SAKE, do we monsters not deserve love? i want my music to TOUCH someone’s soul, to have them love me, for ME, not for my music. is that so wrong? maybe i do not want this love to KEEP, but for once, i want it. at least for as long as i can get it. my intentions were never truly bad, but when those fools decided to claim my opera house for their own and pinned me as the VILLAIN for simply loving HER,
i simply could not refuse the simple offer to make their world a LIVING HELL. ❜
‘ do you NOT think I wanted that too? ‘
she swallowed deeply, UNUSED to delving into her own past, her own desires. she had wanted to feel ABOVE this ––– man, and she w a s n ‘ t. but she’d be damned if she was going to admit outright.
‘ do you NOT THINK that others long for such things and LOSE THEM? we were not all born for the endings we’re taught to seek. I could no more refuse rightful JUSTICE than you, but if not for lost love, for hate. for lost opportunity and hopeless optimism of those raised to believe it. ‘
❛ i shouldn’t have to pay a price for something i DID NOT do. i did not ask for this yet here it is, chained to my face. LOVE should not come with a price, i should be able to love and be loved, i gave her MY music. and she betrayed me to love an insolent boy !! but now I KNOW,
that who should ever love this soul, will curse the day they were born. ❜
‘ to LOVE is to bargain in a fool’s game. nothing you ever TOUCH, nothing you give everything to is ever truly your possession. this we learn harshly. you are as much CHAINED to your abrasions as I to my skin, and after my life has all be ENDED I would not, for the rest of such a PITEOUS LIFE, change it to match what everyone believed it SHOULD HAVE BEEN. not to please my father or change my course or perhaps win the affection I always so secretly craved. if they’re going to call you a MONSTER, you might as well get out of it what you can. ‘
‘ I am anything but SORRY for what I’ve done, for what they made me.‘
‘ I have WISHED many things in my time and all I’ve learned is wishing is a method for fools to maim themselves with. there is nothing so self -wounding as wishing for that which you will NEVER have. it’s better, then, that I just accept what is, and leave. ‘
